Sometimes, there is this sort of special silence which appears after the poor delivery of an apology. All of us know about it as it contains this sort of feeling of realization of our fault which only worsens the situation. It seems that apologizing is one of those skills that men are pretty bad at as they feel awkward when it comes to doing so. We were never taught to do this.
The acknowledgment of our faults may be considered by many of us as a sign of our defeat and loss of the fight. That is why we learn certain techniques allowing us to retain our dignity and apologize at the same time. “I’m sorry you feel that way” is one of the best examples of such trick because it does not take any responsibility and shifts the blame on the other person’s emotional state. This way, we fool ourselves.
The main problem is that we perceive apologies as some sort of exchange. We believe that we will get forgiveness as soon as we go through the correct stages of apologies. This is why we become disappointed and look for some reason why this person is upset with us. This attitude shows that we are not willing to understand the reasons of this person’s anger but rather try to avoid the issue.
It should be admitted that the good apology has nothing to do with “but”. As soon as we start saying “I’m sorry, but…” our apology becomes completely meaningless. We start explaining our actions instead of apologizing for them. The person who was hurt starts feeling that his/her emotions are minimized and disregarded by our explanations.
What men usually lack is the skill of being in the discomfort. It is a situation which requires us to stop for a while and admit that we did something wrong, without any explanation and immediate offers to solve the problem. It is a very difficult procedure because we become helpless and vulnerable – but this is what is needed to understand the situation properly.
We cannot solve anything until we recognize the existence of this problem. Saying sorry before accepting the problem is like putting plaster on an infected wound – the problem stays, although the outside is better. This is why a good apology has three stages which need to be followed correctly.
First of all, we need to state clearly what we did wrong. It should be a fact, not an explanation – for example, “I forgot your birthday; it was very insensitive of me.” Second, we need to acknowledge the effect of our actions on the other person. For example, “This made you feel that I did not care about you.” Finally, we need to promise to ourselves to act differently next time.
The main feature of this structure is the lack of explanation. We can always mention different factors that made us do so, or why it happened. But it should not be included in our apology. All of these points are important in separate conversations, if we need to hold them. They are not important here, and we can speak about them later.
The main difficulty of this procedure is the acknowledgment of the possibility of our apology’s rejection. We can say everything, and this person will still be angry with us. He/she may need some time to accept our apology, or some space. But our goal is to apologize sincerely, but not to try to control the situation afterwards. The forgiveness should not be considered as a transactional process.
Learning to apologize well does not mean to be perfect. It means taking responsibility for our actions and admitting our faults sincerely. It is an important skill which is hardly ever mentioned, but is essential for building the trust. And trust is the only thing that can heal the relationship.
Thanks for reading this post! – MyPlugin