As a man, you’ve probably failed or made a mistake at some point in your life. It’s inevitable. Especially if you put yourself out there to try and achieve great things. In fact, history is full of men who have accomplished great things after periods of failure or disappointment. Recovering from disappointment will forge you into a better man.
But you must approach failure in a positive way to reap any future benefits from your experience. Simply failing is not a guarantee that you will become better for it. The only thing worse than making a mistake is not learning from it, and turning one failure into a cycle of disappointment.
True disappointment comes from being “the man in the arena.” It’s easy to skate through life, never taking chances or risks, and never giving yourself the chance to be great. Only those who choose to enter situations where failure is a real risk can achieve anything great. This can lead to setbacks and disappointment but also to great triumphs and success.
To be clear, we’re talking about something you tried to achieve and failed. Disappointment that’s out of your control (death in the family, accident, etc…) requires a completely different approach.
Similarly to moving on from heartbreak, below are a few steps you can take to make sure you turn your setback into a positive experience.
- Grieve
- Take inventory of your failure
- Make a plan
- Fuel the fire
- Forget the past/gain perspective
Grieve
It’s important to really feel the sting of your failure. If you try to downplay or ignore your feelings, usually they will creep up at some point in the future, and moving on becomes more difficult. Best to just get it over with.
The raw feeling of disappointment will not only drive you to complete the recovery process more quickly, but it will also allow you to enjoy your successes that much more.
Let’s say you messed up an interview for a great job opportunity. It’s ok if you go to your car and slam the steering wheel (stay safe, obviously), or go home and yell expletives. Maybe you skip lunch that day because you’re angry at yourself. Or you go to the gym and hit the heavy bag, or you go for a long walk or run. It might be a good idea to call a trusted family member or friend to vent.
Do what you need to do to grieve, and do it as intensely as needed. Once the pure emotion is out you can embrace your current position and start the real work.
Take inventory of your failure
It seems obvious, but you must figure out how to learn from your mistakes. The biggest key for this step is being brutally honest with yourself and taking full accountability. Blaming everyone else or external factors won’t help you.
What did you do wrong? How could you have done better? What would you have done differently? Did you prepare enough? Will you be able to create another similar opportunity, or do you need to channel your energy elsewhere? Are you on the right path?
Write these answers down if you need to.
Oftentimes this honest assessment will lead you to a better path. Even if it’s harsh, it’s better to assume that everything was your fault rather than the other way around. This way you can explore every single way you possibly can to control the outcome of the next opportunity as much as possible.
Make a plan
Assessing the failure can help you realize many truths about the situation, but it can’t create improvement on its own. You need to make a plan.
While most of us know how to make a plan, it’s not as easy to create something that will hold you accountable.
Let’s take the interview example from above. After assessing the situation, you found that you didn’t prepare well enough for your interview, you were too tired, and you were rushing your answers. A simple plan could look like the following:
- Reach out to 2-3 people in the industry to ask them questions about their job.
- Research commonly asked questions in interviews for similar jobs.
- Hold 5 practice sessions answering these questions in front of a mirror or with a friend/family member.
- Practice giving basic answers about your personal background and story. Come up with 3 anecdotes about your past that relate to commonly asked questions.
- Adjust your activity levels and sleep schedule around your next interview. Research how to get a better night’s sleep and implement those practices a few days in advance of the interview.
- Record each practice session and make sure you’re not rushing your answers.
- Try something like meditation to help calm yourself in stressful moments.
If you followed the plan above, do you think you would succeed in your next interview? I bet you would. This same principle applies to recovering from any disappointment. Make a thorough plan with concrete goals, so that if you do execute your plan, you have a much greater chance for success the next time.
Fuel the fire
After making your plan, you likely have plenty of motivation. Keep fueling the fire by remembering the depth of your disappointment – this is why it’s important to grieve fully. Remembering these negative emotions can help drive you forward as you execute your plan.
Need to create a new opportunity? Keep fueling the fire until you do. If your plan is a longer term process, make sure you’re keeping tabs on progress to reinforce any success on your journey towards improvement.
Let’s say your plan led you to pivot down a new path (maybe the poor interview made you realize you need to pursue something different). Understanding the depth of your disappointment will keep you on track in your new endeavor and push you to explore and create new opportunities.
Forget the past/gain perspective
Ruminating on something you can’t change is a waste of time and energy. The past is unchangeable.
You will eventually feel some regrets, or remember some painful details about your failure/disappointment. This is ok, it’s part of the process. You can only create a better future.
Gaining perspective is just important. Some mistakes ultimately don’t make much of a difference in the long term. Others can lead you to success. Either way, it’s a good time to be thankful for what you do have.
It’s never easy, but recovering from disappointment is a true test of being a man. Use these opportunities to grow and improve.